Friends, we've passed the point of no return. There's unrest in Syria, Charlie Sheen still is allowed to make TV shows, and the National Weather Service reports Chicago is on pace to break the record for most 90-degree days in a year.
Dude, come on! I love summer in Chicago, but this is ridiculous.
It's so bad that the other day my homie just said screw it and wore a skirt. Not a kilt, mind you-an actual skirt. I wasn't even mad at him, and I ended up Googling "pencil skirts that look good with Jordans IVs" for like an hour.
Seriously, my body is starting to fall apart. I was outside all day last weekend, then got home and took a shower. Afterward, my skin remained hot to the touch. I was in the middle of diagnosing myself with cholera on WebMD when my buddy (who is white) mentioned that I probably had a sunburn. Did you know black people could get sunburned? I DID NOT. How do white people deal with these things? I'm over here peeling like a fake Coach bag!
You get irritable when it's really warm, don't you? I can't stand my fellow man. Actually, since I have this opportunity to address you, I'd like to say a few things to the following humans who make already terrible heat unbearable:
>>Triathlon people: "Man, this heat ain't nothing. You should have done the last tri I did! Whew, that was a tough one." Know what I'd like you to "tri"? Shutting the hell up.
>>The legions of pre-teens who invade Michigan Avenue: Know this: I hate you, your faux-edgy clothing choices and your pathetic attempts to grow facial hair. I would give Tavi Gevinson a noogie if I saw her.
>>Petitioners: "Hey man! Do you have a second for the environment?" NO. The environment is literally killing me right now. I hate it and I hate your neon vest, you grossly underpaid improv student.
>>People who kill other people when it gets hot out: You're all idiots. Stop. Know why? Because then I have to hear from ...
>>People who watch the news and turn into the adults from "Footloose": "My goodness. How can this happen in our city?" Are you kidding? I get that your entire city experience consists of your train stop, work, home and five bars, but maybe get out and put your time where your naivete is? Skip brunch and go volunteer in a bad neighborhood. Talk to a kid. Ignorance is acceptance, you know.
>>People who don't sweat: I'd like to use this soapbox to tell people who don't sweat that I hate them and hope they all get deported to Mordor. When it's this hot, I sweat so much that I think, "Ernest, maybe you're too fat? Remember that really fat guy on the bus? He sweated so bad everyone thought he was going to die. Maybe that's you now."
OK, OK-I'm being a bit harsh. Before I get in too much trouble, let me say that this awful heat isn't a total loss. The women of Chicago have basically thrown in the towel and are out here walking around in bikini tops. Not angry at that. Also, there are at least 14 ice cream guys per block.
Anyway, I'm off to go peel another layer of skin. Call me when its football season.
Ernest Wilkins is Chicago's wingman. erwilkins@tribune.com | @ernestwilkins
Source: http://www.redeyechicago.com/news/ct-red-0720-chicago-heat-20120719,0,390718.story?track=rss
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